Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes


Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes - James Windell

Book Summary:  

Why do children have to be stubborn?

Well there are a couple of answers. Some children are born that way and others are made to be that way. But another answer is that children are just human begins trying to deal with life. As result, sometimes else desperately wants them to say yes; these children are neither born nor made to be stubborn.
Everyone is capable of being stubborn and defiant at one time or another. Try to push anyone around too much and you`ll get rebellion.
Stubbornness is one of those very human reactions that all of us have resorted to.
Children display stubborn behavior for one of three reasons:
  1. The behavior is stage or age appropriate.
  2. The behavior is related to a persistent or more difficult temperament.
  3. The behavior is the result of inconsistent and harsh parenting.
  • Parents can avoid fostering or exacerbating oppositional defiant and stubborn behavior by:
  • Learning more about child psychology and the developmental needs of children. 
  • Learning effective discipline and child management techniques. 
  • Taking care not to reinforce children`s defiant, stubborn, and non compliant behavior. 
  • Using commands and requests in appropriate ways, without repeating them or nagging. 
  • Understanding your child`s temperament. 
  • Keeping the stress level down in your home.

Understanding and disciplining the infant:

Early in the first year of life, a baby`s anger is one of the emotions expressed through crying. Parents can best deal with anger by offering comfort without giving in to the child`s demands. Health and safety always come first, but parents can respond to anger with an acknowledgement of the angry feelings even when they can`t give in to what the child wants.
Infants are not ready for “discipline” that is attempts to correct behavior or discourage unwanted behavior until near the end of first year.

Understanding and disciplining the one year old toddler:

Parents can handle the more difficult twelve to twenty four month old toddler by:
  • Being consistent about routines.
  • Using clearly stated and firm rules.
  • Settings reasonable and enforceable rules.
  • Offering supervision and restrictions but not harshness.
  • Not giving in to unreasonable demands.
Handling temper tantrums by following for guidelines:
  1.  Ignore as much of the tantrum as possible.
  2. Don`t give in to stop a tantrum.
  3. Acknowledge the child`s feelings.
  4. Deal with the cause of the tantrum not the angry behavior.

Understanding and disciplining the two year old toddler:

Parents can better deal with the difficult two year old by:
  • Recognizing that difficult toddlers, because of their temperament, may be more likely to cry or whine, may be more stubborn and oppositional and may use the word no more frequently and more forcefully that their more compliant peers.
  •  Developing skills in sensitive discipline.
  • Using firm and reasonable limits
  • Giving choices within limits
  • Programming: that is, giving considerable details about forth coming situations or events to help to provide a structure.
  • Playing no games that give toddlers opportunities to safely say no.
  • Giving children chances to change their mind and say yes.

Understanding and disciplining the three year old toddler:

You can better handle the difficult three years old when you:
  • Remain aware that more difficult three years old can be very demanding, intense and volatile.
  • Avoid reinforcing aggressive, angry and violent behaviors.
  • Avoid labeling the difficult child as angry, bratty, selfish, aggressive, unmanageable, or bad.
  • Give requests and directions in simple, clear and direct ways.
  • Use time-out to teach difficult children that they must comply; always use time-out in firm but appropriate ways.
  •  Do no give in to threats, demands, stubborn persistence or attempts to wear you down.

Understanding and disciplining the four year old toddler:

Parents can best handle the difficult four year old when they reclaim lost power and authority by following these specific steps:
  • Define the limits.
  • Do not overreact or panic to the child`s protests, complaints or insistent demands.
  • Do not become involved in explaining or justifying your discipline when your child is angry or throwing a temper tantrum.
  • Set a time-limit for the child to make a decision within guidelines given by you.
  • When your child fails to live up to your expectations or neglects her responsibilities provide consequences.
  • Consistently use this approach until the youngster understands that you will provide the authority. Continue to use firm, consistent discipline as she begins to comply with limits, rules and expectations.

Understanding and disciplining the five year old toddler:

The difficult five year old can be handled best by:
  • Remembering that fives want to please and they do imitate adult behavior.
  • Reacting with calmness
  • Using physical restraint if need be with a five year old who still has violent temper tantrums.
  • Not giving in to temper tantrums or the child`s unreasonable demands in order to buy temporary peace.
  • Modeling a problem solving as a parent or a teacher.

Understanding and disciplining the school age child: age’s six to nine.

Difficult preadolescences may be handled in the following ways:
  • Settings clear limit and rules
  • Being consistent not only in setting rules and expectations but in enforcing them
  • Firmly enforcing rules and standards
  • Providing preadolescences with monitoring and supervision.
  • Communicating in a way that reflects respect, support and understanding.
  • Seeking professional help when the rebellious and oppositional behavior is ongoing and parental efforts to make changes are unsuccessful.

 Understanding and disciplining the adolescent age child: ages fourteen to eighteen.

Parents can cope better with more difficult and oppositional adolescents by:
  • Making sure rules and limits are reasonable, clearly, stated and understood.
  • Letting adolescents know about consequences are always fair and related to the offense.
  • Having calm, reasonable and respectful responses to teenager’s oppositional and defiant behavior.
  • Giving teenagers choices and allowing them to make their decisions.
  • Avoid to use of threats or ultimatums.
  • Avoid condemnation, labeling or unfair judgments of the adolescent as a person because of present oppositional or defiant behavior.
Parents will best be prepared to deal with stubborn and oppositional children and teens if they keep these points in mind:
  • Parents must train themselves to be highly skilled in raising children.
  • Parents must learn as much as possible about child development.
  • Parent should develop a repertoire of positive discipline skills.

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